Change

Today is one of those days where I need to figure out what my brain is trying to process, or rather, where I need to figure out how to process what I know I need to process.  I have a lot of things going on in my head these days, and pretty soon I will be completely free of one of those things.  Let me back up.

In May of 2002, I graduated college from Stephen F. Austin State University.  Immediately after graduation, at the beginning of June that year, I began working for Moore North America in Nacogdoches.  That lasted a year, and then I was off to GEICO in Dallas.  That lasted about 3-4 months.  Then, I started working at Region 10 ESC in October of 2003.  This, I thought, would be where I would stay unless hubby found a job that moved us somewhere else.  It's amazing how comfortable you can get when you stay at a job for 8 years. But it's also amazing how things can change in those 8 years.

This post is not about Region 10.  It's not about the things I disagree with or the things I would change.  It's not about how hard it was to go into work every day not knowing what to expect.  It's about fact.  It's about my attitude and my heart and the friends that I miss.  It's about people and humanity.  After 8 years, you learn who people are, those that are there beside you on the journey, and you learn that they are more than colleagues - they are friends.  And when others are brought in through the chaos, you somehow find a friendship with them as well to keep each other encouraged, and even though the time you get to spend with them may be short - for whatever reason - you still call them friend.  Your heart breaks for them when change happens that you don't understand and you can't do a thing about it.  Things did change, and I was tested.  Did I pass the test?  I truly don't think so. There are many things I would change about my actions and reactions.  Did I learn something?  Yes, definitely.

I learned that if you're in a difficult situation for too long, your mind starts to believe that situation is reality all around you.  Key point - I start a new job at Tyler Technologies next Tuesday, 12/20, in which I'm very excited.  This morning, someone called me.  I saw that it was from Tyler Technologies and you know what my first thought was?  "Oh no, what if they changed their mind!!!"  I've given my resignation at Region 10, signed the papers at the exit interview, and as of this Friday, the 16th, I'm no longer employed there.  What kind of person immediately thinks that after signing an offer for a job only a few days ago, before even going in for the first day, the person who has been amazingly nice will call and say, "Never-mind, we don't want you anymore."  Me.  I'm that kind of person right now.  So there is my red flag - on my first day at the job, I have GOT to leave this attitude at the door.  Heck, I need to probably go for a walk and leave this attitude on the sidewalk, or in the park!  Oh, I'm sure that at some point or another, someone has actually had this kind of awful experience.  But to immediately prepare yourself for it when you see the company calling?  And get this - my first day consists of orientation, paperwork, a tour of the place, many introductions.....and lunch.  He was calling me to find out if I liked Chinese food (LOVE Chinese food for those of you who don't know...).  ;)  How nice is that?  He is one of several who hold my immediate future at this company, and he wasn't calling to tell me I didn't matter and that they didn't want me.  He was calling to make sure I would be happy with the food. 

So then the question to ask is, how much of these thoughts have drizzled down into my personal life?  Professional life aside - yeah, that's half my day every day - but what about my personal life, too??  Do I think that I'm not wanted?  Yeah, I've thought that.  Do I feel taken advantaged of or used?  I've felt that, yes.  Has it been true?  A little yes, a little no.  But that's not the point.  The point is, where is my attitude?  Whether it's true or not doesn't really matter - not in the big picture - only because it's my reaction that defines who I really am.  Do I want to react with bitterness, or do I want to react with love?  Of course, the latter.  I want to always react with love, but many times it's not that easy.  But it should be.  And it can be.

As I process my life in the next few days before my new adventure, I have a lot to really think about.  I will leave my old thoughts somewhere far away - I want to choose to be and show love every single day, no matter the circumstance.  It's hard to thank God for the hard times and much easier to thank Him for the easier times.  I look back at my professional life of 8 years at Region 10 and wish I had a little more faith.  But at the point my faith was tested, I know that I had just a smidgen of faith, at least the size of a mustard seed.  I need to let go and accept that I was blessed with a new adventure (not to say it won't have it's own stressors - I know it won't be perfect).  I need to let Jesus change me.

This new job still has a sense of uncertainty to it.  I'm not established there.  They don't know how hard I work and how I always do my best.  I work as if someone is always watching - because more than likely, someone IS always watching.  In time, they will know me.  And I will choose to trust that they will let me show them who I am.  I will choose to love and I will choose to have faith.

"....for truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you." Matthew 17:20